Some diaries, a couple links.

 
 

Links/files/mistakes/whoops/hi

All-ish files (diaries and little scribblings and a couple maps):

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1sn2bIj6bC7OD80MrNlzlvvQT9Ws-YIfq?usp=sharing (the little story “hope on loan” in here… might be the closest metaphor I had for the past long while)

Diaries:

High Anxietyy w/ Grandma:

The “podcast” we started recording in 2014, plus the phone calls we had until she died in 2023. Hopefully they’ll keep autoloading (unedited I’m afraid) after I can post the last ones with my fingers. The rest will be posted with my miiiiind from beyond the grave so spOooOoOookyyyy! Everyone associated with this podcast is dead now lol. Unideal for something that might’ve helped some of us deal with life but I’m hoping maybe it still can just a touch.

Suicide Note Audio Playlist: https://soundcloud.com/adamvalenlevinson/sets/suicide-note-almost (if that doesn’t work, it should all pop up on my soundcloud at some point, I believe National Drinking With Chickens Day, 2024

My YouTube channel, with the “suicide note” videos (I think?):

Video versions of the above might pop up here in a little while. I scheduled whatever was already there to publish at some point in the future before I remembered I could just batch upload everything to google. But too much work to undo things and whoooo cares so… forgive me again! Literally all just here in case it ever helps anyone in any way. Almost certainly won’t so — please don’t stress extra if you find any way to avoid it. I am not writing this the way I’d like to write if I were a person who still wrote.

stuff i wish i’d written/could write:

  • a whole book of metaphors using wild physical & mathematical stuff — like how the fibonacci sequence (already a metaphor of how building blocks work) actually contains within it a formula for pi (already a metaphor for… everything it’s a metaphor for) – as a way to understand the way the social world works. Like: I think there are all kinds of simple secrets written in the world around us, understandings for the taking & maybe most importantly, for the universal sharing.

  • it’s a book of ABCs for kids, but it’s all places that don’t get a fair shake in our collective understanding (A is for Afghanistan, B is for Baghdad, etc…)

  • a calculus of emotions: I think we might not feel our actual feelings much, but the derivative of our feelings — that is: the rate (and direction) our feelings are changing. Like: you don’t feel good as much because you are good as because things are getting better. And the second derivative (borrowing more calculus words), like the acceleration of our feelings: maybe you get a raise at your job every year, but now that increase is itself static & maybe it doesn’t give the kick it used to — but if that rate of change increases, we feel the thrill of those emotional G-forces again.

  • none of this. how totally bonkers that i felt i should just plop this here of all places. over the next few hours and days I promise I will want to take it down more than I want to leave it up, but I’ll leave it here (probably) because dude might as well right?

Toodle-pip. Y’all are great.

- AVL

  • Fwiw if I’d actually written a suicide note, it just would’ve said “almost”. That’s as good as I could stand behind. At a certain point, even those of us who have been trying to make just the right words to save ourselves after all this time can’t find any words that do more good than harm. (All this audio is just some kind of zero-gravity kvetching to no one in particular.) Like this. And these. I’ll stop. Kiss each other for me won’t you.

(Oh and yes Finnegan Teasedale was me, and so was Calvin Lax Cole (so I could quote him in my book as if he were someone else) — it was funny to me at the time I promise. Something about being in conflict… or not being whole… or being… um… not being… something. Sounds about right. I love you!)